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blurdconception
Jun. 9th, 2005
02:54 pm - Changes
Hey,
It's been like five bafillion years since i updated this I miss you guys so fucking much I love you all! Anywho life is going pretty good my mom is usually drunk and smoking or havin sex with her boyfriend so loud I can hear. College is so boirng, end of term so stuff is fading out. I rpeatedly fuck up my relationship with Abbie, like constantly, I have a huge fat problem with jealousy I like can;t stand her even talkin ot other people online of cours i try not to say anythin because that is ridiculouse but i sometimes I actually do I actually get like all wierd about her talkin to some1 on the interent! That is not me why am I beingl ike this I am trying to discover the reason here are some of my self righteous and self indulgent reasons;
1) My mom and plenty of other women around me (don;t wanna mention names) have had affairs because their partners are secure but too boring. So the guiys who are going out and working and bringin home money and not questioning thier female partners are gettin fucked over big time! So these women are just going out and fucking other guys and then coming home and acting like they are doing the right thing by keeping their boring but caring and secure partners in the dark! Is it me or is that the most fucked up thing ever. Me being the caring lovey dovey not very exciting type that I am have a HUGE fear (out of no fault of her own) that Abbie will do the same thing to me. Am i insane or slightly justified???
2)The fact that I am an only child and havent really ever recieved too much attention (positive) from either parents I think makes me worry that if even they can;t stand to be nice to me why would some hott girl who could get any guy she wanted give two shits about me?
3)Past experiences as you all know havent been the best I usually end up being "too nice" and "boring" which is exactly what I'm trying to avoid, I'm desperately tryin to not be the person that has been rejected so many times.
4)She is so amazing and literally all the guys in our grade want her, and she constantly gets messages (internet, texts, comments) about how gorjus she is and about how many guys would actually like to take her away. I'm afraid one of these days shes going to figure out how easily she could snap up any guy she wanted and go and get a sexier cooler more muscly version of myself.
5)Deep down inside I honestly think she deserves better than me. Not because I treat her badly not because I'm not giving it my all but just because I CAN'T give her good enough. I'm not good enough for her.
At the end of the day my insecurities and my jealousy are all parts of me am i ruining the personality that she was originaly attracted to by trying to hard to change the parts that I dont like. Am I being too seriouse. Should I just say fuck it I'm 17 if she fucks me over she does and thats that. Is it so bad that I care about her to much to do either of those...
Jealousy turning shapes into the sea,
Swimming brooding lullabye,
Choking on your allibye,
Love is just the price I pay,
Nothing else could punish me,
I just can;t look it's killing me.....
Mar. 12th, 2005
06:13 pm
http://profiles.myspace.com/users/22265
this is my myspace guys check me out lol
Mar. 1st, 2005
03:18 pm
My mom is going to a shrink...all the women in my life turn insane.
Maybe all you guys are just fucked up to start with maybe your all sane and im the one whos fucked o well!
03:03 pm
My house number is;
011441733569862
So that shit better be ringing off the mo fuckin hook fools!!!!!
I miss you guys a whole bunch!!
Rachel why cany i comment in your journal its like impossible argh!!!!
You HAVE to read a play by Sarah Cain called 4:48 psychosis it's sooooo good!!!!!!!!! It's really up your street Rach you'll really like it anywho i get internet on monday argh soon cant wait talk to you fools soon...
xrob
Feb. 27th, 2005
06:09 pm
Hey fools!!!! D-bark, B-ryhme and Davizzle called me this mornin and woke me up and i got a hard on because they are so hott I love you guys Rach I miss you and scar-dawg well im glad some 1 still loves me enough to comment on my super long super over due journal entry
I'm gfetting internet in a week
3 letters
2 4 7
yea boi love you guys
xrob-dawg
06 fo life
(o dere day go)
Feb. 23rd, 2005
10:15 am
O M FUCKIN G!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I went to see fuckin Fall Out Boy last night and i fucking shat the bed because it was the best night I have had in a long fucking time lets start at the begginging cuz thats the best.
Ok so the gig is in oxford where I used to live, when i was living with pink nose when I was little, so thats like 3 hours away from where i live now, fuck it we'll drive and we did and we pumped the cd all the way there!! TAKE THIS TO YOUR GRAVE AND I'LL TAKE IT TO MINE!!!!! Anywho we get to Oxford and I have to like pull a total James Bond to find the fucking venue asking people for directions and ish "the Zodiac" and we find it and I'm like WHAT THE FUCKING FUCKIN FRICK!!!??!?!? What did I see??? UH....ONLY THEIR FUCKING TOURBUS RIGHT OUTSIDE THE VENUE ON THE FUCKING CURB! Then came the line accompanied by the cold!!! Then came (out of the tour bus) The FUCKING GUITARIST FROM FUCKING SPITTLEFIELD!!!!!!! So being me i was like AAAAaaaAAAAaaAAaa can i have a piicture with you and shit and he was like YEAH SURE MAN and i was like urgh cum in my pantes!!!!!! And then right behind him it's just...i dunno...JUST ANDREW FUCKING JOHN HURLEY THE FUCKING DRUMMER FROM F.O. MO FUCKIN B. AND I WAS LIKE ARGH CUM DRIPPING DOWN MY LEG!!!!!!! cAN i HAVE A PICTURE WITH YOU AND YOUR AUTOGRAPH? SURE!!!!!!!! THEN LIKE A FUCKING GIFT FROM JESUS I FEEL A HEAVENLY PAT ON MY SHOULDER AND HEAR WHATS GOIN ON ARE YOU GUYS COM,IN TO SEE THE SHOW? wHO COULD HAVE SAID THAT UM DONT WORRY ABOUT IT ONLY THE FUCKING DEUCE STRINGS OF FALL OUT BOY jOSEPH tROHMAN!!!!!! cAN i GET A PICTURE WITH YOU AND YOUR AUTOGRAPH ???? sURE!!!!!!!!!!! aRGH ARGH ARAHGFVGSDIYSAVIO'PBHS;HOFB;!!!!!!!!!!!!
I miss you guys...
xrob
Dec. 15th, 2004
03:48 pm
YO YO YO, or ho ho ho either way im coming home argh its gona be cool. I cant wait to see you guys and i cant wait to go to new york and see Rent with that idiot from 98degrees in it argyh!!!!! ASny way if you wana get me a present get me the cd/dvd/sheet music or watever of Rent (it's a musical) Love you guys c u soon got lots to shpw and tell...some one better have taped the O.C.
Dec. 6th, 2004
10:49 am
OK ALL YOU GANGSTAS AND HOS LISTEN UP
I AM COMING HOME AND WE MUST PARTY
AM AM GETTING IN ON SATURDAY THE 18TH
CORY, BRIAN, DAVID, DAVEY
YOU WILL ALL SPEND THE NIGHT AT MY HOUSE ON SATURDAY THE 18TH YOU MUST BE THERE BY 8:30 OR MONKEYS WILL COME OUT OF YOUR ASSHOLES!!! CORY YOUR THE ONLY ONE WHO GOES ON HERE SO TELL THE OTHERS
BUTT CHEEK BANDITS MUST RE-ASSEMBLE!!!
RACH, SCAR, LIZZY,TAM ETC. YOU MUST ALL AWAIT MY CALL THE NEXT (SUNDAY 19TH) FOR BREAKFAST AT PHANNY'S AND A FUN DAY OF NOT DOING ANYTHING BUT LASUGHING AND POSSIBNLY SEEING A FEW MOVIES.
I LOVE YOU ALL AND I BETTER SEE YOU THEN!!!
rOB dAWG
06' REPRESENTAS
BUTT CHEEK BANDITS
GET OUT OF HERE CREW
REPRESENT
Nov. 18th, 2004
03:55 pm
AaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAaaaaaAAaAAaAAA I got my first assigment back today it was a presentation on how the voice works, voice production and the actor and i got a merit on dat shit A MERIT if you dodnt know thats good cuz it goes pass (C), Merit(B+/A-) then distinction (A+). Out of 24 ppl 18 got a pass 4 got a merit including me and 2 got a distinction so I'm proud of myself and that one goes out to all y'all fools who said i couldt do it. 1 down 7 to go love you guys peace!!!! I have it but I dontr care!!xrob
Nov. 9th, 2004
09:31 am
My grandma has throat cancer. My mom is on the verge of a mental break down and my dad called me up saying he was gonna kill himself because i forgot to calll him on his birthday...COOL!!!!! ah, so as you can tell life is just as fucked up as usual my mom isnt really that bad she doing better but when we moved out of the old house into the new apartment she had to start getting used to living without her boyfriend they r still 2gether but they dont live together ne more i can imagine after 8 years of sleeping in the same bed with some1 sleeping alone could be pretty well lonely lol. My dad well my dad is back at the psychological mind games as usual i honestly forgot his birthday I didnt do it on purpose but im glad he thought i did, delusions of grandure, i wouldnt have dared to something that mean, he gives me more credit than i deserve!!! Cheers pops!!! My grandmother however is going to die and it makes me really sad but also relieved in a way becuase she hasnt been herself for about a year and a half and shes been suffering so its better that it finishes i guess! Is that cruel?? Anywho college is hard as hell but fun i read a fucking amazing play that will change your life if you read it, its called 'Look Back in Anger' by John Osbourne its fuckin good read it, Rachel especially and Scar-Dawg my old reading buddies. Miss you guys i swear im trying to get a phone card, we are flat broke poor we didnt ave enough money to buy milk yesterday ahahaha but we will soon its cuz we spent alota money on the move, but i get payed soon and my mum gets payed at the end of the month. I have been writing so much i wrote a whole one act play last week its really intense writing songs for the band and junk its awesome we have our first gig soon at a club called 'the Park' its awesome this guy whos on graphic design here at college desingned our poster I'll poster on here soon and pics too!!! Scarlett, Rachel, TAM!!!, Klett, Barker, Brian, Ray, Davey I miss you fools like crazy and im coming over on the 18th all you fools should come meet me at the airport and we'll go see a movie or something and catchup i fucking love all you guys Rachel godamnit i NEED TO HAVE A FUCKING CONVERSATION WITH YOU!!!!!! Phone card is next on the agenda i swear love you and miss you xrob
btw im only updating in the college library i still dont have internet at the apartment argth xxrob
Oct. 14th, 2004
07:53 pm - What I'm made of, be true to your audience but most of all to your character
Method seeks to abolish the distinctions between the actor and the role, and with it the artificialities and histrionics of other acting techniques it sees as insincere. The idea that the actor has 'got inside' the character's psyche marks the performance as more 'authentic' than other styles, creating a pure presence of character unadulterated by any sense of the performers's seperate identity.
This passage basically explains what I'm devoting the rest of my life to.
Oct. 13th, 2004
05:00 pm
got a funny lonely feeling im not loved,
it's not love...
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annoyedOct. 10th, 2004
10:39 pm
misread signals read in anger,
unheard sobs caught in the racket of your self pitty,
where was this sorrow when i needed it most,
when all you could do was boast,
of new found glory and overestimated sickness for a home away from home,
inside me,
Now,
when im ready to move on,
after all is locked up and my grievance is done,
you choose to put up emotion,
an attempt to drag me down from happy,
funny how now im ready to leave your comments get scrappy,
When,
will it be ok for me to be ok,
will i gain approval for anything outside of us,
stayed outside in the rain,
waited next to the phone,
next to a cold dinner,
for a bus,
What,
i felt for you is different now,
i kicked out the safety of the chair,
and i've landed over here,
get over it or get on it,
whatever you do,
whenever you do it,
i'll stand here and wait,
but i wont be miserable and alone for you,
or for ever,
im done doing it for him or her or them,
im taking shelter and doing it for me,
Cuz,
i feel free and new,
it just so happens that feeling came without you,
the coops been flew,
it would eventually end,
we both new,
now where there was once one there is two,
find something you can fall into and jump,
words of truth no longer obstructed in my throat by your lump
and now the pieces have re-formed,
and it's better than before,
just on a different shore...
but lighter than i was before10:38 pm
so deep that it didnt even bleed and catch me...
annoyedOct. 8th, 2004
08:22 am
'and just the scent of you's enough'
'grant me one last wish,
play rush and roulette as we kiss'
-senses fail
Oct. 7th, 2004
06:52 pm - Monologue i adapted from "25th Hour" to fit my personal experience
Cobwebbed Truths About Types of Stereo by:Robert Gilbert
(Spot light on a sink centre stage, it's dirty and grimy like public one's are. There is a frame of a mirror fixed to the top but the glass has been taken out so the actor can look into the mirror and stare at the audience. Enter Robert from stage left. He wears some kind of pendant around his neck, small but noticeable. He comes to the sink and stares in the mirror. We see blood in his mouth and perhaps a little bit on his cheeks and shirt. He spits blood into the sink, puts finger in mouth wrestles out a tooth toss' it into sink and spits again. Runs water cups hands under it drinks some water and spits again. Stares into mirror)
Robert- Peterborough, what a shit hole. (slight chuckle) Infested with useless stereotypical parasites every where i fucking look! Fuck the Kosovans squatting anywhere they can, walking around town speaking that gargle they call a language, mugging innocent men and raping innocent women. Fuck the Pakis in Dogsthorpe and in their fucking cabs oozing that fucking curry, tikka whatever stench from every dirty, hairy, pore covered by their stupid hoods and turbans. Muslims, Szeeks, Gehad fuck the lot of em', mistreating, demeaning and wrapping up their women like anyone would look at the flea ridden bitches if they weren't hidden behind four bed sheets. Fuck the scallies, the townies and the footie hooligans for being so loud, moronic and space consuming, loitering around in groups and jumping good people because they haven't got shit else to do, let alone a fucking job. Fuck the goths and the misunderstood youth of our generation, who pretend that their TRYING to MAKE themselves look ugly, with their ten million piercings and copious amounts of makeup and clothing that could hide an Ethiopian family. Fuck the trendy fucking gays prancing about like they're better than any straight guy because they look more like girls, and the butch dykes who think that turning lezo will help their sex life because they're so ugly you have to look twice just to make sure it's human. Fuck the hip-hoppers wearing huge coats like they could afford a fucking gun and their mouth's constantly spewing filth in that idiotic slang. Fuck the homeless, get a fucking job. Fuck teenage mother's, use a condemn bitch. Fuck the police, where the fuck are you, where were you...
(BEAT)
(Robert looks down hands on either side of the sink basin hunched over it emotionally and physically exhausted, slight sobs uttered for the first time in a long time, he almost doesn't even have enough energy to spit out the saliva and blood slowly being dragged out of his mouth purely by gravity)
Most of all fuck YOU Robert Gilbert for being just as fucking useless as the lot of them and not doing anything about it but screaming at your reflection.
(BEAT)
Fuck that,
(BEAT)
No fuck THIS.
(He spits into the sink for a last time, kisses a pendant around his neck, looks into the mirror straight on, and exits stage left.)
BLACKOUT
Oct. 5th, 2004
11:19 pm
I'll put little sour in your sweet,
you've got so much fucking tongue in cheek,
you want wat you could never have
you say that you want respect
well then you better get some for yourslef
cuz all that i see right now is
the one whos lost...
So let's play doctor babe,
we'll operate today,
insicions must be made,
you could help solve this case,
for me...
And its 4 am,
and we will stalk again,
the princess and her bitter queen,
on the fourth day of july,
deep in summers eye,
naked,
like the truth should always be...
my lies are stuck like glue,
coming straight from out the water
sunburned face and drunken father
crying as she's carving in her flesh....
choked by my own air...
-Senses Fail
I'll chok ignorance with my own blood,
for the peace of an innocent child,
Throw my body on the fire of discrimination,
to defend against torn memories of a youth,
take the pill and swallow it with poisoned wine,
so this won't happen again again and again,
take the plunge
race you to the street from the roof
the quikest way down,
if i can take with me just one undeserved frown,
-Robert Gilbert
(Social Camoflauge)
(Cobweb Romance)
angry02:08 pm
the new sense fail album rocks my balls right off and then the used album kicks them out of the fucking universe. Just incase you were wondring where they were. Anywho I'm lovin life and looking for lurve. I forgot how easy goin and fun the single life is it's cool but awkward to readjust to the rules and regualtions of flirting and all that jazz but its cool. LOve you guys check ya later
Sep. 27th, 2004
06:27 pm - Cover Lyrics
It's always been up to your friends they'll
make your mind up before you
The popularity's gone to your head but still
I don't ignore you
You ran for school election
You even got my vote
and did you know
My favourite past time's poetry and
yesterday i wrote
Just because your and my friends
are thirty
Doesn't mean that I swing that way
If you've got compications and a
reputation
wouldn't want get in your way but
anyway
This morning you walked past my door
just like a day dream
but much more
I followed you round to the store
and i was shellshocked when i saw
you and your friends were smoking
it always makes me choke
and did you know
I'd do anything to have you
but i wouldnt take a toke
You said my words were beautiful
they almost made you cry
the markings on the wall were jaded
I wonder why
Just because your nerdy
and your friends are thirty
doesnt mean she wont swing your way
If she's got compications and a reputation
go ahead and stand in her way
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